The Big D

El tóxico and I have been talking regularly since early May. I guess you could say I've been sucked back in. I'm keeping my head above water and allowing myself to say what I want without worrying about the repercussions.

So he and I came up with the bright idea to go to the big D together last weekend. I went for mi prima's baby shower and he went to visit some family. We decided to share a hotel room, go out, and go to a concert. Friday night we checked into the hotel (one bed and a comment from him about how it was too bad we weren't sleeping together or we could have fun in the hotel room), we dressed up, and we went out for sushi. Yum. After that, we went to a club his cousin was a dj at and hung out with his two cousins and their wives. The club was hilariously cheesy with a mixture of hip-hop, reggaeton, and other random mexican music. We drank a lot. So it will be no surprise that when we laid in bed, it was very tempting. We ended up making out...no sex, no oral...just a little handiwork. Haha. To be honest, it was a little disappointing and I wasn't all that happy when all was said and done. I felt like I did all the work because I told him to stop after a little while because it wasn't enough. This was new for me because usually I just go along with it and act like everything is ok. So I felt a little empowered. And yes, I know that's absurd.

Anyway, we had all this cuddle time and it felt really good. And yes, I know I have issues. But he's so lovey-dovey in bed. Ugh. The next morning he said, "I thought you weren't a cuddler." I wanted to say, "I am with you." What I said was, "I'm not but this feels good." I felt transparent...like I wasn't fooling anyone....it's so obvious I'm a sucker for him. Fortunately, he's in total denial or I have a great poker face.

Saturday we got out of bed late in the morning, after a little more messing around, and went out to breakfast. It was great. Except then we got into a big discussion about how he says he cares about women (the 22-year-old in particular). I tore into him about how he can't claim to care when he treats them (us) so poorly and lies to them (us) and sleeps around (more lying). He said I was on a roll and needed to slow down. So I did. I left shortly after that to go to my cousin's baby shower. I felt bad (why?) but thankfully, he has an enormous tolerance level for my shit. Probably because he deserves it.

The shower was lovely. After it, I picked him up and we went to the show. I worried that he wished he was there with someone else. But, it was a great concert and we had a fun time. We were planning to go out and dance at his cousin's dj club but we were tired and ended up falling asleep. This time nothing happened. Probably because I had bitched him out earlier. Or maybe he felt guilty because he was supposed to be exclusive with the myspace girl...although in his head he is, because we didn't have sex and whatnot. He's fucked up.

Sunday we ate at a local restaurant and drove back. He asked that I not tell our mutual friend and I argued that I didn't have to follow his rules. He said he regretted messing around becasue now we were having this conversation (which he later took back as he always does). He said maybe we weren't ready to be friends again because we (I) have these unresolved issues between us. I said I'd told him I wanted to talk and he kept avoiding it. He was like, "ohhh yeah, we were supposed to talk." What-ever.

So we talked. I said everything I wanted to say. That he had lied and it hurt. That he made me doubt myself. That I didn't see evidence that he had changed anything that would lead me to believe he valued me as a friend. That I was tired of his rules. That I questioned everything that came out of his mouth. He listened and said he couldn't deny anything but that time would tell and he knew it would take me time to trust him. I didn't cry. Maybe he heard me, maybe he didn't. I asked him if he wanted to get to the point where I just had it and said enough. I told him he had high expectations of me as a friend and I lived up to them and I did what he asked and I followed his rules but that he didn't do the same for me. I told him I thought he should overlook what he "didn't owe me" in explanantions and that he should give me the openness and honesty I need because I had stuck around through his bullshit and I deserved it.

And that's it. No resolution...but we talked. And I think I saw him even more clearly than I have been lately...slowly he comes into focus. He's fucked-up.

So I keep my eyes open. I'm alright.