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Now that I have the chance to talk about it, I don't even know what to say.

El tóxico is back. After a couple weeks of email and calls, we finally hung out last Wed. evening. We ate, I copied his new cd, and we chatted for a couple hours. It was like nothing had ever happened...except for the things that had. I left with a wierd feeling, like I wasn't sure what was going on. He's called every day since then, with this or that to tell me. Just like before. Except that it's after.

This weekend was his cd release show. We only said hi at the show so I thought I was safe. At the show, there was the maestra, the 22-year-old, and countless others he's dropped me for. OK, that was dramatic, probably there were just a few. I didn't drink much and watched the show soberly...which was a different experience than the last few times.

He called me at 4:15 a.m. Said he was alone and drinking some wine and wanted to hang out and talk with me. I said all I was coming over for was talking and wine and he said ok. So I went over, drank a little wine, listened to him talk about women, music, the same stuff we always talk about. He said he'd missed me and was glad we were talking. He said I could spend the night if I was tired. It was 6:30 a.m. but I live a mile away. I spent the night.

I laid in bed, willing myself to make the right decision. The minute he got into bed he pulled me close and kissed me. It was all over for me. Fortunately I was "incapacitated" this weekend so it was all oral and manual. Still...

The next morning we did the same thing. After we messed around, he said if I was worried about the oral, he had only had sex with condoms and nothing else recently, including with la maestra and the 22-year-old. I said I didn't believe him. "I wouldn't lie about that." Inside I was laughing...how many times will I fall for that?

SO later I told him I was proceeding with caution and that we needed to talk. He said he didn't want to. I said we're not pretending like nothing ever happened again. I asked if he knew why I stopped talking to him. He said he would talk about it but not now and was that ok. I know him and this is his way of controlling the situation and he needs to feel in control and I said ok.

We went to breakfast. He called that night and twice today to talk to me about his ex who he was just recently in contact with. This was ok with me...I was there for the break-up and knew he needed to process his feelings with someone who knew her and the whole disaster.

So, here I am...not sure what to do, not sure what to say, not sure what to feel. Honestly, I don't even want to talk about anything but I know I need to. Mi amiga asked me what it would take for me to have enough...and then answered that it would be an STD. I shuddered at the thought because I wondered if it was true.

I don't want the friendship...but I do.

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