Dear El Tóxico

My day started off so well. I felt good. And then I progressively started feeling worse and worse. And now I have a lump in my throat and I just feel terrible. I don't know what's wrong with me.

Last weekend El Tóxico called me late Fri. night. I said yes this time. I went over there. It was a disaster. He couldn't get hard. We tried and tried to "make out"and it just didn't work. I feel awful. And undesirable and tossed aside and stupid and more awful.

So I waited a week, then told U-W and Assy. Then I wrote how I felt. And then I thought, fuck it, I'm sending it. I don't care about the consequences. SO here's what I sent El Tóxico. Maybe he'll be annoyed, maybe he'll feel bad, maybe he'll be tired of this shit, maybe he won't call me. Anything is ok as long as it's not this.

I have a problem...

There's still a reason why I can't be friends with you and make out with you.

I want to know if you slept with Sarah last night. Or anyone else this week.

And I don't need to know those things.

But when you call me and I come over there...I feel compelled to know your sexual activity.

This isn't working for me. It's driving me crazy. I ask you not to call me in the middle of the night, but you don't listen to me. And you keep calling me...and I keep doing whatever you want. Year after year.

I can't even talk to you about this because I am so tired of this same conversation over and over and over again. It's humiliating how I don't take care of myself where you're concerned and I let myself be so invested in you. I know that I don't want a "relationship" with you but I still have feelings and I can't separate our friendship-relationship and our physical-relationship. I'm not emotionally fulfilled by either one. I try and try to end the physical one and I just can't seem to do it. And you make it hard. And I try and try to be "just friends" but I can't seem to do that either. And you make it hard. I want to be good to you and caring and affectionate like I am with my other friends. But I can't when I'm hurting.

And my friends and your friends think I'm stupid for even talking to you and that I shouldn't put up with the way you've treated me but I know that you care about me and you want me as your friend and I keep hoping that something will click and we'll be ok and be friends without any baggage or complications.

But you have to stop coming to me for sex. And now that we had this disastrous experience last weekend, I feel even worse. And you have to stop.

How am I supposed to fix this? I'm tired of the childish "I'm not talking to you routine." It's lame and it's not how I operate. But I can only have a relationship with you that is healthy. Being jealous and bitchy and suspicious is not healthy. It is really hard for me to be vulnerable like this and tell this to you and I have to write it so I don't stop myself like I have been since April.

So there it is. I don't know what else to do.